if i was as big

[paige11]

if i was as big as the moon
i could still manage to hide
never see me around.
come up from underground
only after the disappearance of all your eyes.
why do we deserve to look at such a perfect thing?
so i turn away-
i look at you,
if only you'd tell me
i'd understand it-
i'd be it-
we'd create it together.
but here i am
and there you went,
off to conquer the world once more.
i wish it was that easy to forget you-
i wish i'd look right past you-
not right at you.
because look what you've done to me
all around me
you got inside me
and now you're gone.
gone with my insides.

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[paige11]

i thought about revising and adding some nice poetic imagery, but i like the bleakness of it, w/o the images. what do you think?

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[ranter]

i think you should add some poetic imagery or something concrete so that the reader can grasp onto something, otherwise we as the readers, i feel, get kinda lost in the words and lines and phrases and who knows what we are supposed to think.....anyways and anyhow, try to make it more REAL. sorry but im not really saying much.

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[Soiled Soul]

I still got your message without imagery and I do think the it really fits without it kinda of better thats it vague with what your saying. but try it out its easier to see which is better is you have both.

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[paige11]

a very good point, i'll see what i can do...

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